He leads me ...

Stepping into the shower to start my day, I thought why am I doing this, getting clean? It wasn’t like I had someone to hug me intimately and tell me how amazing I smelt.  My leg won’t stop hurting, I’ve been told the old tumours have started to grow, I have no hair to speak of, I’m forever freezing cold.

What is the point? 

Countries are bombing each other, food prices keep going up, energy bills are on the rise.  What is the point? 

I stood there allowing the warm water to run over me, but the thoughts didn’t let up.  I’d had enough of this world with all its ups and downs, more downs than ups, and I felt like I wanted out. 

My mum had just nearly died, giving my sister the chance to bombard everyone with her incessant control, one brother couldn’t deal with what was happening to mum, whilst the other didn’t seem to care.

What is the point? 

Even though mum had Alzheimer’s and it might have been the easier choice to allow the sepsis to do its cruel thing, we knew we couldn’t and we didn't.  We had to honour her, her life. She mattered.  But now that we were over that phase with her survival - thank God - and had safely placed her in a care home, reality has bitten, and the question is on repeat: WHAT IS THE POINT?

Of anything … eating is a pain in the butt since chemo has all but destroyed and altered my palate.  Let’s not talk about my tongue that has been butchered!  Man!  Pain is my too close friend.  People are so unkind, I’d rather not.

The warm just-on-the-edge-of-really-hot water has quietly been working its magic, granting me relief - albeit temporarily - from my daily cold fingers and cold skin.  I reach for the liquid soap to get started on my face and bald head but take some time to rest on the shower wall.  I start saying, very quietly, “thank you, Lord, for your mercy and grace that I can get in this shower today”. 

Continuing with the lathering of my head I let God know how much He has irritated me because I’m still in pain and cold and living in a world that just is intent on harm.  I then praised Him, cause you know, He’s worthy and all that whilst rinsing my head and face then switching to the medicated shower gel to place on the body and get that lather going but as I try to get to my lower legs, some pain kicks in and I remind God that He did say He would be glorified through this illness and that I would not die but live. 

Was He serious right now?  Ten years down the road and I was still on the oncology, read cancer, journey!! God!! What the actual??